First and Last

I've been feeling melancholy lately. I could attribute it to the still wintery, cold snow or maybe the prospect of visiting home makes the days seem longer. It could be caused by a wonderful friend telling me about her pregnancy and my husband confessing that he was slightly envious. With his hand cupping my face, I felt sad, happy, and complete all at the same time. For the first time since I've lived in Russia, I was homesick this week. I wanted home. Not the stuff, stores, or food. I wanted friends and family who make up home. I repeated several times over to myself words of wisdom from my mother; this too shall pass.

It did.

Imagine every time you celebrated a birthday, milestone, or holiday that it was jam-packed with the expectation of being your first. Then, reverse it and apply that same wistful, bittersweet emotion to the fact that it may be your last. We have a two-year contract. Shortly after we arrived, it was our first Thanksgiving among new friends only (no family). We realized this past November may have been our last Thanksgiving. I've started making lists of souvenirs I just have to have and need to send out to friends I've promised.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. My life motto is "write your life in pencil and carry a big eraser." It could be that all of my intricate emotions are ill-spent because we could be here another two years, or in some ways, we could be gone in a blink.

Have I learned anything? Yes, though that seems too small a word for an affirmative answer. Just today I made a meal for a new family who arrived thinking to myself, "what if I'm not even here long enough to become a good friend? Will it be worth it?" Of course. Doing the right thing is always in season. Jesus said that loving others is the greatest commandment. That's why it brings so much joy!

I'm not a touchy-feely. I never have been. Tears and hugging actually tend to drive me nuts and yet they have brought me such security this week. Somethings coming. I can feel it. I started Spring cleaning and taking inventory of what I would want to pack. This could be premature. It could be ridiculous really. Maybe we'll know or maybe we won't.

Either way, I'll keep you posted.