Superheroes have Sidekicks

When the kids were little, people often said to me, "I don't know how you do it?" I had four kids before I was 25 and stayed home full time to care for them. My response was usually something like, "I have the stamina for it. Instead of cramming for finals, I'm staying up nights with infants and spending my days making macaroni art and potty-training."

I still get asked this a lot, especially with four teens and pending foster kids. But today, I want to tell you a couple of secrets.

Thing one. I'm proud of my work. If I ever judged you internally or openly for being a working mom, I apologize. It's the hardest freaking job in the world! When kids have dentist appointments, sick days, and forgotten lunches, it's rarely my husband who volunteers to double up on parenting duties and work. If you know my husband, you know he's amazing and extremely supportive. But I've recently read reports that working moms work up 100 hours per week. That's a lot.

I'm fortunate to work from home as a virtual executive assistant. I regularly start my days at 5 or 5:30am to get a jump before the kids all have their morning routines. I try to take a walk if it's not raining and get in my first cup of coffee. Then there is hair to be braided, dinner prep, lunch prep, and carpool. When I come back home, I'm dressed and prepared for video calls and complete attention to work. I may throw a load in the laundry or vacuum my room if I have time. In the evening after dinner, I'm washing dishes, finishing up the laundry, and preparing for the next day. But I like working. I can't imagine what I would do with myself at home alone all day.

Thing two. I pay someone to clean my house. It took me a long time to accept this as ok. When I stayed home and home schooled, I liked cleaning the house. It was something new and different to do. Plus, I got to enjoy the cleanliness first hand. Now that I'm working, the kids help less, and we are gone most evenings, it's totally worth it to have a tidy house. I don't feel guilty about this. At all. In fact, I see it as an opportunity to help out someone else and live in the kind of home I prefer.

I had a major surgery this past October. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up or help my family achieve my standards of cleanliness, so I hired a bi-weekly cleaning lady. I kept it a total secret from the kids. They didn't catch on at all that the main level of the house was spotless every other Tuesday! I kept the secret until a couple of weeks ago when she showed up and they were all home on summer vacation. I didn't want them becoming entitled or thinking that they can just make messes for other people to clean up so they still have to do their own rooms/bathrooms. It's only fair.

Thing three. I no longer clip coupons and spend hours at the grocery store. I get my groceries delivered from Publix via Instacart. I paid for the yearly membership ($99) so for a minimum $35 order, I get free delivery. That means I get groceries delivered for free twice a week. I keep a running list on the app on my phone, and when it's big enough or I need something ASAP, I submit the order. In less than two hours, or at the appointed time I choose, my bagged groceries arrive at my door. I don't have to drive to the store, pick the groceries off the shelves, put them in the cart, put them on the belt, load them in the car, or unload them into the house. Now, because of this great system, my kids answer the doorbell and put the groceries away. I've actually found that we spend less this way because I don't impulse shop or fall prey to my hunger pains.

Thing Four. I take myself out to lunch once a week. I make the weekly menu, shop for the groceries, go to Costco (I haven't found a service for that yet) and keep everyone fed. So sometimes, I take myself out for sushi or Greek because I deserve to have a meal prepared without having to do the dishes. It's a small thing, but it helps me keep my sanity.

Thing Five. Having kids in public school opened my eyes to the constant permission slips, forms, and checks. So I opened a checking account for school stuff. I require my kids to fill out their own forms, fill out the check, and all I do is sign. It's life changing! They pay for haircuts, field trips, and other miscellaneous expenses and I don't have to do more work. Just sign.

So now you know, I don't do it alone. I have help and helpers. And I try to be kind to myself so I can be kind to others. This phase won't last forever, but at least I'll be sad to see it go instead of resenting the time.

You Choose Color

Every time we move, I end up painting a little bit. Or the whole house. It just depends. I’m not moving now, but our life is about to shift. One of my wise foreign-service friends once said to me, “I will live in this house for 104 weeks. If I spend two weeks painting it on the front end and two weeks painting it back at the end of our tour, I will have enjoyed 100 weeks of a homey, warm environment.” She was right. Paint matters.

One particular week was super weird for me. Number 1 graduated. Shortly after, I dropped her off at the Metro station to go to ATL so she could go to Europe for eight days. Number 2 went to Parris Island for MCJROTC boot camp. While he was gone, I painted his room. He’ll be moving out of it and into a smaller room to make space for Foster kids. Like many times before, I was painting the walls thinking about the people who will sleep in there. I consider their dreams, their mornings, and their quiet sobs on pillows. I do not yet know the history of those who will inhabit these beds, but I am already caring for them. It’s like pregnancy and different.

Number 1 will move to college in August. She will inhabit a dorm downtown, but in our home, she will lay claim to a top bunk in her sisters’ room. Her old room may also inhabit unknown faces. I painted over the coffee shop themed, burnt orange walls with a gentle, neutral beige.

For whatever reason, I seem to always remember the names of paint colors. In one house it was Brazil Nut and Summer Sage. It’s been Sahara, Lemon Cake, Unicorn, and Pumpkin. When the previous inhabitants of one of our spaces has left walls with unlabeled paint cans, we name them ourselves. Some we remember not so fondly are Smog, Toothpaste, and Bowling Alley.

The color in one of our new rooms is called Pebble Gray.It’s a very soothing color. It feels fresh and clean and has a little bit of blue.

Several months ago, I moaned to one of my kids' mentors saying, ”She’s going to leave me!” This wise woman who has been gently guiding my 17 year old said to me, “Oh, dear one. That’s what you raised her to do!” It’s true. I should blame myself. Helping them to become self sufficient was the easy part. Realizing that they don't need me as much is a bit harder to swallow.

(The one in the cap and gown is Number 4. She's going into 7th grade. The real graduate is wearing the striped dress.)

I can’t tell you anything about the kids we will house except that they will be teen sibling groups, but I can tell you what I’ve done so far to prepare. We’ve attended 26 hours of parenting classes complete with tests and role-plays. We’ve been CPR certified, had drug tests, bought fire extinguishers, and CO2 detectors, We’ve purchased extra beds, sheets, and towels. We’ve filled out references and gotten physicals. I think we are more ready to parent than we were 17 years ago when we brought home our firstborn and made her a bed in a laundry basket.